B sample positive - Kingry lies, "Stop the steal"

Ryan Garcia’s “B” Sample came back positive for Osterine, a banned steroid. That was no surprise, as anyone with a gram of brains in their head knew it was inevitable. The very first thing out of Cryin’ Ryan’s mouth was, “It’ an inside job!” Hahaha.  Shades of “Stop The Steel!” Taking a page out of Donald Trump’s playbook as the biggest liar since Jon Lovitz’s ‘The Pathological Liar’ on Saturday Night Live, Team Garcia invokes The Conspiracy Theory defense! It won’t work when the New York State athletic Commission convenes and smacks him into reality. But it will work to fire up Ryan’s uneducated and unsophisticated base of youngsters. They will latch onto the nauseating mantra that Ryan is a victim.

Maybe next he’ll get an orange-glow suntan and work on a whacky comb-over. 

Team Garcia has the money and flashed a team of four attorneys/comics dedicated to upholding his tainted honor. They deployed the Casa Blanca feigned innocence trick: “I’m shocked! Shocked that PEDS were used here in that boxing ring!”

Team Garcia took such great umbrage of the allegations that they immediately put out a breathtaking press release revealing that KingRy himself voluntarily submitted a hair and nail sample and had it whisked off to the lab of some cat they called the foremost authority on PEDS testing. Hahaha. So stupid. They conveniently left out the methodology of the testing and protocols in place to ensure proper collection and chain of custody. So retarded. Then they all pinky-swore that Ryan has not ever and would not ever indulge in such shenanigans—so help them God! I pulled a rib cartilage laughing on that one. Ryan’s base nodded solemnly, then roared in agreement with the clowns.

The clown show wasn’t finished. They couldn’t help but pull the old. “Ryan’s sample was tainted with miniscule amounts of Osterine… in the billionth of a gram range!”. Oh, my. Good Gravy! Really?  Lol. Unfortunately for Garcia, that measurable level easily exceeded the maximum allowable levels that occur naturally in a human being! Son. Yer either pregnant or yer NOT! You, Ryan Garcia tested 100%, without a doubt, P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T.! Sure, the boxing media will clamor for interviews and his team and promoter will look solemn and make proclamations and promises of righting the wrongs done him and clearing his good name. It will become a cottage industry because Ryan has the cache and clout now. He can DO no wrong.

The “whataboutism” deflections Trump spews will seep out of Team Garcia like a bad case of The Exorcist gal with food poisoning. ‘What about Victor Conte?’ What about him? He doesn’t test for VADA. He wasn’t in their lab. “What about VADA?!” What about VADA? They have no dog in the fight and no axe to grind. Desperation will turn to,  “Well, what about the turd in the punchbowl at the quinceanera of that girl over in Whittier, California last October?” Lol. The gig is up. You tested dirty Ryan Garcia. You are dirty, in my opinion. And it’s not, as you claimed, ‘They’re out to get me because I’m Mexican”. No, it’s because you are a rat. A rat who, whilst on PEDS, severely assaulted another pro boxer, Devin Haney. He most likely will never be the same. Hopefully, his father and Team Haney take you to court and sue your panties off; and also make you publicly apologize. I can smell that massive Haney lawsuit brewing as a type this.