For those of you who remember “Howlings,” it consists of 20 paragraphs (Count ‘em! I know you won’t!); 10 bold-faced paragraphs pertaining to the “how,” “now” and “wow” of boxing and 10 non-bold paragraphs that have pretty much nothing to do with boxing whatsoever. So, my fine Maxboxing-pals and gals, it’s time for a new set of Howlings for one and all. And yes…that means more David Caruso.
Did you REALLY think I would leave out Lieutenant Horatio Caine?
Last Saturday night, we were treated to a sweet lightweight desert heaped fulla Edwin Valero and Antonio DeMarco. We got everything we could’ve asked for in everything that led up to Valero’s ninth-round stoppage victory. It was almost perfect…almost. As if the WBC’s open scoring system didn’t leave enough rash-like symptoms, their goofy “accidental foul point deduction” rule left a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, in the end, it didn’t have an impact on the fight’s result but it can be disheartening to a fighter early on. It was in the second round when DeMarco threw a left cross, only to get blocked by a Valero right hand. DeMarco’s left arm was still moving, when Valero’s glove connected with “The Kid’s” wrist. DeMarco getting docked a point is like getting yelled at by your mom because a meteor hit the barn while you were asleep…
…I might just be too old but I can’t figure out the success of Justin Bieber. The kid’s 15 and I think I just hear of him about three months ago. I still don’t know what he sings and I’m stunned that girls twice as tall as him are crying in his presence like they fell off the roof of a grocery store onto a gravel parking lot. His debut album, “My World” came in two-parts. Two-parts?! At 15, the only album I owned that had two parts was Kiss’ “Alive!” And it was scratched. And “My World”? My world was the end of the 800 block on Kendall Street down to half-past the 600 block…of Kendall Street. Bieber’s already performed for the President and Mrs. Obama and is slated to collaborate with Ludacris in the near-future. Meanwhile, I’ve been unnecessarily soaked on child support, just got laid off from my regular day job and would kill to have the artistic acclaim of Richard Slone. Y’know what? I’m glad I don’t know who the f**k Justin Bieber is or why he swears he’s a preppie clone of Usher. Try an honest day of work, kid, and then thank every little girl who spent their allowance to make you a star…
…Now there’s a lot of talk about Valero possibly facing WBO junior welterweight titleholder, Tim Bradley (possibly THE MAN at 140) and it makes me wonder why Humberto Soto, one of the most daunting tasks at lightweight isn’t being seriously considered. And I’m not alone. Message boards are lit up with the question “Why not Soto?” Top Rank and Valero might see Bradley as an easy mark, but he’s no joke. All because you’re not surnamed “Pacquiao,” doesn’t mean you’re not gonna have a hard night. In a battle of undefeated, Bradley-Valero might actually produce Valero’s first loss. With few left in the lightweight ranks who could pose a challenge or an exciting scrap against “El Inca,” save for Michael Katsidis and Juan Manuel Marquez (who isn’t exactly rushing back to 135), Soto poses the biggest hurdle the lunging Venezuelan has left to leap…
…No, I didn’t watch The Super Bowl, but I know two things about it: I know what teams played and I know that 12,000,000,000 people watched it. That’s it. Oh, and my wife didn’t win her Super Bowl grid pool at work. What I immersed myself in, besides my recording of the Valero-DeMarco fight, was the genius of Patton Oswalt. In the film “Big Fan,” Oswalt plays poor schlub Paul Aufiero, who is 36, still lives with his mom and works the booth of a parking garage. He’s also a huge New York Giants fan who is obsessed with making his mark, calling late-night sports radio shows with scripted rants. Paul’s prowess in impressing himself and his socially repressed friend, Sal, is only eclipsed by his love for Giants linebacker Quantrell Bishop, who pummels Paul straight to the hospital after Paul and Sal follow Bishop to a nightclub. Paul’s obsessive admiration for Quantrell kills whatever common sense he has and, in fear of his beloved team possibly tanking, he refuses to aid in prosecuting the player. What transpires is kind of sick and Oswalt becomes the embodiment of one of his own deft punchlines. If you haven’t seen this movie, rent it. Incidentally, Oswalt didn’t watch the Bowl either. A non-sports guy, Oswalt watched The Puppy Bowl and updated us all on Facebook on who was winning…
…Valero’s successful WBC title defense garnered him the distinction of being the one true “lightweight champion” that the sanctioning body has to offer. According to our friends at Fight News.com, the WBC is designating Valero’s status as titlist to “champion-in-recess.” Sound familiar? That’s because the WBA did the very same thing to Ruslan Chagaev when he couldn’t defend their version of the heavyweight title, due to a myriad of injuries. According to Jose Sulaiman, head of the WBC, “The WBC is hereby naming Edwin Valero ‘champion-in-recess’ for him to be allowed the necessary time to recover from the injury, and to make his decision regarding the division where he will continue his career.” So, although Valero made his defense against the WBC’s number one contender, Antonio DeMarco (having held an interim strap), apparently, it’s not good enough for the alphabet group, who just can’t wait for their man to heal. Is this a new rule? Because the WBC didn’t seem to have an issue when Oscar De La Hoya took one day short of a year to defend his super welterweight title against Floyd Mayweather Jr. after his successful defense against Ricardo Mayorga. I suppose this might have much to do with that fact that Valero’s travel and competition options are limited and brings a lot less cash to the sport. Just a theory. If anyone can shed some light on this, I’m willing to listen. Now that I think about it, so much for Valero-Soto, huh? If Valero returns to the lightweight division, he’ll get a shot at whoever holds the belt (likely Soto), but won’t quite be the WBC’s “champion” while not necessarily being an “interim” titlist…oh, man…my head’s starting to hurt…
…Speaking of Facebook, with all the kafuffle regarding changing layouts, I’m more tired of the race to come up with the next fresh, hip “Put this in your status and don’t tell anyone why!” or “Change your default photo to one where you were eating cheese in nothing but you boxer briefs!” Don’t care. I don’t get caught up in it. So, I’ve taken to creating fake fan pages and posting them in my statuses. Mind you, they’re not REAL fan pages. Just ones I’ve thrown into statuses. Here’s a list from an especially boring day:
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “Your Mom Going Down on Me”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “I Can’t Feel My Legs!: The Musical,” “National Association for the Advancement of Dead People” and “Damn, bro, your mom tastes good as hell!”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “George Bush+Bill Clinton=George Clinton,” “The kind of fart that feels like it rolls up the small of your back” and “Tom Arnold Horshack”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “HandJobs.com: Career Placement for Manual Laborers”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “’Suck My Balls’ Old-Fashioned Jawbreakers,” “Merv Griffin is my baby-daddy” and “Satan is my co-pilot”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “E=MC Squarepants” and “Spongebob Square Root”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “Illegal Alien Autopsy,” “Jewy Lewis and the Jews” and “The People vs. Gabriel Montoya”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “Huey Lewis and the News,” “Shari Lewis and the News” and “Gary Lewis and the Playboys”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “My imaginary friend thinks you’re an assh**e,” “Tunafish Overcoat” and “Lepers always leave a tip.”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “Inanimate Objects Named ‘Steve’,” “12 Ways to Scratch Your Crotch in Public without Being Noticed,” and “GG Allin’s Underwear.”
Coyote Duran is a fan of “You’re gonna love my nuts,” “Tempura-battered midgets” and “Taste the Golden Spray.”
Coyote Duran is now a fan of “I sure am a fan of a lot of sh*t” and 276,037 other profiles.
See? Fun!...
…Former IBF featherweight titlist/(recently vacated) IBF junior lightweight titleholder Robert Guerrero hasn’t been the only fighter in his family for a while. Guerrero, who was supposed to face Michael Katsidis on March 27, dropped out of the match to concentrate on his wife, Casey’s battle against leukemia. Casey has been battling the disease since 2007 and although she’s recently had a transplant of compatible bone marrow, she’s still not out of the woods. It’s no secret that Guerrero is a dedicated family man and an equally devout Christian so it’s not surprising Guerrero opted to take a pass on the fight. I can’t imagine Katsidis or any of the fans awaiting this fight harboring disappointment. After all, if for nothing else, don’t we all fight for our loved ones?...
…And sometimes, I’ll just status the first thing that enters my mind. Like this: “‘I KNEW ALL ALONG IT WAS YOU, SHATNER!’” exclaimed the marijuana bacon as the side order of dead midgets ran into the wall. “What did we miss, Boss?” they asked.” I know what you’re thinking: “Why didn’t I think of that?”…
…Fresh off his unanimous decision victory over Jason Estrada last Saturday night, former THE RING magazine World Cruiserweight Champion Tomasz Adamek is formally relinquishing his championship strap in order to continue campaigning at heavyweight. Needless to say, it’s the right thing to do for the fans, the division and the magazine and it gives weight to what the magazine’s ratings and championship policy stands for. But, not to change the subject but to change it a speck, let’s take a look at Adamek’s progression over the past few years. It was only three years ago this month, that “Goral” lost his WBC light heavyweight title to Chad Dawson. Three years and 45 ½ pounds later, Adamek is beating heavyweights and not looking overblown in doing it. Now, I’m gonna drop an old saying that’s caked with wisdom. I can’t remember if it was Bugs Bunny or Woody Woodpecker who coined it but it was something like “If I dood it, I’ll get a whuuuuuupin.’…I dood it.” For no more reason than simply to fuel a fire, I’ll say this: in the three years between his rubber-match win over Erik Morales and the Miguel Cotto beating, Manny Pacquiao gained only 15 pre-weigh-in pounds. Discuss among yourselves. Tee-hee!...
…I don’t get it, Howlers. I just don’t get it. Why didn’t Thomas Gibson of “Criminal Minds” score himself a Golden Globe? Did you see the 100th episode of “Minds” (I know my buddy John Raspanti of Doghouse Boxing did)? Gibson’s performance as Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner in that one alone was enough the net the statue. “Hotch’s” foil George Foyet AKA “The Reaper” (Maybe not the most original name or an “unsub” (unidentified subject) but C.Thomas Howell…that’s right, C. Thomas Howell’s performance as the sick, homicidal bastard more than gives weight to the name) returns to wreak havoc by capturing “Hotch’s” ex-wife, Haley and their very young son, Jack. While en route to Haley’s house, a tearful Hotchner bears no choice but to hear Foyet kill Haley over the phone. Jack finds a hiding space in the house, thanks to a game he and his father played (“Work the Case”); sparing him before Hotchner arrives. Hotchner discovers Haley’s dead body and brawls with “The Reaper” while listening to the deranged murderer’s taunts. If killing Haley wasn’t enough, the jaw-dropper had to be when Foyet detailed how he would show Hotchner’s “bastard son” his parents’ dead bodies before killing him as well. Hotchner subdues Foyet and beats him to a bloody pulp, rage and sadness boiling over, all the while. But while this is all going on, you don’t see it. You see the sobbing Hotchner from the point-of-view of Foyet, mercilessly pounding the killer to death. When Agent Derek Morgan arrives and runs into the room where Hotchner is killing Foyet, Hotchner is still crying uncontrollably when Morgan pulls him off what’s left of the killer. “Hotch” then slumps into Morgan’s grasp, wracked with sobs and near-insanity. OK, I know Michael C. Hall of “Dexter” won “Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama” but was Gibson even considered for such an unbelievable performance? I’ll tell you this much, when any other character on TV cries for whatever reason, I’m pulling out the Thomas Gibson gauge because no one did tortured sorrow better and never will. I guarantee it…
…The best quotes (which will fill the remainder of “Howlings’” boxing portion) from the February 10 conference/“debate” (debate?) touting The April 3rd “super-fight” or “super-rematch” (or as I would call it, “superfluous”) between Bernard Hopkins and Roy Jones Jr. have me tickled in the event’s brave attempts to be taken seriously. Dig this kooky gem, courtesy of Hopkins: “I’d be a fool to think that Roy Jones Jr. is going to train to fight Bernard Hopkins, me, by laying on the beach getting a suntan.” Look, people…please don’t be angry by this observation…and I know you might, but think rationally. When was the last time YOU heard about a black guy getting a suntan?...
…Astounding album report #1: Remember the BulletBoys? They’re the late-‘80s/early-‘90s hair band that was best known for two singles off their self-titled debut, “Smooth Up (In Ya)” and a remake of the O’Jays’ “For the Love of Money.” They’re back…uh, I guess. At least lead singer Marq Torien is, but with ¾ of the original members gone, there’s also change in the ‘Boys’ approach. Their latest album “10 Cent Billionaire” surprised the hell out of me. In original guitarist Mick Sweda’s absence, Tory Stoffregen more than makes up for it with thick riffs and George Lynch-style intricacies that drive songs like lead-off tune “Asteroid” while developing a pulse and swagger that pushes “Blessed By Your Touch” over the top. Torien’s vocals- and the overall style of the band- are less in the vein of vintage-Van Halen and have developed a personality of their own which are accentuated by some pretty powerful production values. I’ve read various critiques of this slab and, yes, opinions are just that: opinions. But I don’t get why some hard rock critics are crapping on this album. I’m loath to use certain pretentious nouns and adjectives in describing something so mind-blowing but at the risk of sounding like a Broadway critic, “10 Cent Billionaire is a revelation…
…Quote #2 from the Hopkins-Jones II presser/debate, courtesy of Jones: "The fight is important because, I hate to say it, but first he is my rival, and I must defeat my rival. Secondly, this is the perfect opportunity and perfect timing. The fans wanted it, and since they couldn’t give them the other fight they wanted, we’re going to give them something else. What I have planned is simple.. I will fight to get you off me, or I will fight to knock you out, whichever one comes first. Whichever comes first, that’s what I’ll be doing. I’ll knock you out to get you off me, or go after you and knock you out. It doesn’t matter." OK, first…THIS is perfect timing? Second, what exactly did the fans want, what was the other fight they wanted and what are they getting instead of that? I didn’t get much further than “What I have planned is simple,” when I blacked out. And I wasn’t even drinking…
…Astounding album report #2: Remember the Danger Danger, the late-‘80s/early ‘90s hair band that gave us “Naughty Naughty” and “Bang Bang”? Well, they’re back-back with “Revolve.” If you’re a Double-D fan looking for what made the band as big as they were in their heyday, then you’ll find it here. Although two of the members from the self-titled and “Screw It” days, guitarist Andy Timmons and keyboardist Kasey Smith are no longer with the band, the New York-based four piece still consists of comebacking lead singer Ted Poley (whose vocals are still tough and crystalline as they ever were), bassist/keyboardist Bruno Ravel (who plays a mean cello, as well) and drummer Steve West, along with lead guitarist Rob Marcello. Marcello, a veteran of past bands like House of Lords and Ironhorse, knows his role and excels with crunchy rhythm while cranking out the leads typical of that grand ‘80s style that many of us old metalheads love so much. Some songs come off as clichéd, like “Killin’ Love” and “Rocket To Your Heart” but lead-off “That’s What I’m Talking About”, “Hearts On The Highway”, “Fugitive”, “Keep On Keeping On”, “F.U. $” and “Dirty Mind” more than make up for it. And I’ll cap that off with a cliché of my own: When I listen to “Revolve”, I feel 19 again. It’s that retro…
…Quote #3 from the Hopkins-Jones II presser/debate, courtesy of Oscar De La Hoya, Golden Boy Promotions: “Now after 17 years we’ve been able to make the fight. The fact that this rivalry is still there shows how much they wanted this fight.” I don’t know about you, but if I want something bad enough, I don’t wait nearly the entire lifetime of one of my children to get it…
…Astounding album report #3: Remember Uncle Kracker? Of course you do. It’s not like he dropped off the map, but he has evolved from DJ/ rapper to capable adult contemporary singer (Who’da thunk dat?). Kracker’s humor edge hasn’t gone anywhere. In fact, it’s gotten better, bouncing from dealing with the superficial (“I Hate California”) to the self-deprecating (“Hot Mess”) to down-right playfully critical and cheeky (“Another Love Song”). At the same time, that sense of humor knows when to take a back seat to cute sentimentality (the lead-off single “Smile”) but tries a little too hard when it comes to describing covert lesbian hi-jinks (“My Girlfriend”- good song, but not great). Not so surprising is Kracker’s stab at Bob Seger’s “Mainstreet.” It won’t make you forget the original but it holds its own and gives us a sense of where Kracker comes from, musically…kind of the same place where I come from and maybe that’s why I’ve always dug his tunes. It’s clear the man is having fun making music that makes him happy. We should all be so lucky. The song I always- and I mean ALWAYS- hit skip for? “Livin’ The Dream.” Half of it is Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again.” I can’t stand Whitesnake and that song makes me want to suffocate myself with my own underwear. I’m just sayin’…
…Quote #4 from the Hopkins-Jones II presser/debate, courtesy of De La Hoya: “Bernard Hopkins and Roy Jones Jr. are two of the most recognized names in the sport. You’ve got the Tysons and Holyfields, and then you have the Hopkins and Jones.” YES! Who needs Pacquiao-Mayweather? Who’s with me?...Hello?...
…Whatever “CSI: Miami” did in its halcyon days needs to come back in a quickness. Monday’s episode featured a homicide victim who was murdered on one of those Richard Branson-style space planes. You know the ones only the very privileged, Lance Bass-types want to hijack? Yeah. Well, it was bad enough that the Miami-Dade coroner, Dr. Tom Loman didn’t detect that the “vic” was shot in the first place (Alexx Woods would’ve, I’ll tell you what) but when the three other guys on the space place decided it was a good idea to kill the victim because they only had three available containment suits (There was a breach on the outer hull of the plane. Why didn’t they have four suits? There were four people on the plane), the dialogue as to why they did it was about as inspired as a tired porn veteran filming her 5,000th scene. The best parts were when Horatio had the three perps corralled at the police station, telling them their actions were shameful and when Walter (my favorite new character, burly-but-no joke, portrayed by Omar Miller) and Jesse (Eddie Cibrian, who has surprisingly good chemistry with Miller’s Walter) set-up blood spatter scenarios in the “Vomit Comet.” That’s it. Note to producer Jerry Bruckheimer: Stop phoning it in…
...Quote #5 from the Hopkins-Jones II presser/debate, courtesy of De La Hoya: “This fight is so big, that these guys made the front page of the Wall Street Journal.. In all my years of fighting, I’ve never even been on the front page of the Wall Street Journal; that shows you how big this fight is.” OK, sure, but what’s the Wall Street Journal other than a periodical for privileged insiders? I’ve never even opened one and I’ll bet you pennies-to-prairie dogs that a great many working-class fans haven’t either. And Oscar may not have made the cover (or he might have. I wouldn’t know), but he made a sizable impact three years ago. Dig these links, Howlers. And I’m not saying anything negative about Oscar by sharing these links. Remember, the WSJ is about money and the following links spotlighted Oscar’s rise from meager beginnings. Fair is fair.
http://adverlicio.us/files/images/0207_wsj_De-La-Hoya-Square.2..jpg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uu14WICERGc
...For those of you who don’t have a Facebook or a My Space account, I’ve decided to go the free route in order to expose the masses to what I do on a canvas. So do your buddy a favor and please visit http://coyoteduran.blogspot.com/ to check out clickable images of my favorite penciled and painted pieces. If the demand is right, I might just start producing prints and t-shirts based on my artistic images. And I promise, I’ll do my best to keep ‘em affordable because that’s what I would want as a consumer. I still do original commissions too so if you’re interested, please don’t hesitate to contact me through any of my many channels. And speaking of Facebook, you can now join Maxboxing’s official fan fage at http://facebook.com/MaxBoxing. We update daily with links to articles and are working on having a frequent chat with our very own lovable Irish heavy-hitter Marty Mulcahey, who now provides us with a “Maxboxing’s ‘This Day in Boxing History’” link that you can find via the Facebook fan page or here at http://martinmulcahey.blogspot.com/. While you’re at it, become a fan of our partner, SecondsOut.com’s new page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/SecondsOutcom/296805004347?ref=ts. They’ll love you for it…
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Are you still awake after reading all this gooey-kablooey? C’mon, say a few syllables, kid! Contact Coyote at artofthepaw@yahoo.com or visit him at facebook.com/CoyoteDuran or myspace.com/coyote_duran. Please visit http://coyoteduran/blogspot.com to check out Coyote’s original art.
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